a monkey made me do it

by teflon

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Unexpected finds in the garden

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I got home from work this evening to find a chap sitting on my front doorstep, eating a sandwich. He's got a personal stereo on, and doesn't look up when I approach him.

"Hi?"

He looks up.

"Could I get into my house please?"

He shifts to the side a bit.

I had to go to the bank, so grabbed my things, sidestepped the man, and walked down the street. I came back home via the supermarket, so it was 20 or so minutes later by the time I got home, and he appeared to be gone, other than the detritus of his sandwiches.

So I go and have dinner and stuff, and afterwards decide to go and clean up the sandwich mess from the front steps. There's usually a dustpan and brush next to the bin store, so I go down to get it, and discover the same gentleman enjoying a snooze on the patch of concrete between my front wall and the wall of the house.

I try to wake him up. His earphones fall out, he wakes up a bit, then tries to snuggle in more comfortably to the concrete. I shout at him a bit to wake up. He doesn't seem to want to budge.

So I give the local police station a ring to see if they'd have more luck shifting him or finding somewhere for him to go. They've had a report of a drunk somewhere nearby, but say they'll try to send someone around at some point. Fair enough.

Around an hour later, I have a look out the front window and see a police car sitting across the road. Aha, maybe community policing does exist after all. So I step out the front door, and just as I'm waiting to cross the road, a bunch of teenage girls with supersoakers soak me, including a jet of water aimed at my crotch followed by the classic "wot, you pissed yourself or summink?" comment. Nice. So I pop back inside, change my jeans, and cross the road. Just as I'm approaching the police car, it drives off.

It was at roughly this stage in the narrative that I started writing this post, and also that my doorbell rang. An Inspector McGuiness of the Met (who was Irish, and wore a shamrock on his stab-proof vest) and another officer in blue latex gloves had managed to awaken the sleeping giant and point him on his way.

Apparently he was stinking drunk and my front garden had seemed like the most comfortable place between Wood Green and Tottenham. I'm not sure I'd agree. (He didn't get very far either)

So I retrieved the dustpan and brush and cleaned bits of spicy chicken and lettuce from my front step.
3rd May 2006, 20:58   | tags:,

kyoob says:

Well it makes for a good story!

3rd May 2006, 21:06

Twiglet says:

London life eh? Great story!

3rd May 2006, 21:07

teresajh says:

I'm sorry but it made me laugh :o)

3rd May 2006, 21:21

Steve says:

Bit scarey but a great story

3rd May 2006, 22:20

Spike says:

see, what i would have done in that situation is find a marker pen and draw a comedy moustache and glasses on his face, then blog it! THEN get him a ncie cup of coffee acting like ive not drawn on his face, and walk him home! remaining to act like he has nothing on his face, imagine his supprise when he wakes from his drunken stupour to see himself looking like a complete TWAT! with no idea what happened!

but thats just me

3rd May 2006, 22:24

Steve says:

Or, Imagine my surprise when I woke up in hospital after being stabbed by a pissed bloke

4th May 2006, 00:01

Spike says:

damn good point! but still, if the opportunity's there!

4th May 2006, 08:11

funny story and great picture. but also a little worring

4th May 2006, 09:04

JokerXL says:

What a great story, thanks for that.
Hope McGuinness-of-the-yard gets his man!
;-)

4th May 2006, 12:20

The truth says:

British police...aren't they great

6th May 2006, 12:27

alfie says:

so awesome - I highlighted this for the story; everyone should read this.

Tef, I lived in Turnpike lane for 4 years, I *know* what it's like, your description of events is so wonderfully dour.

6th May 2006, 12:36

Rhys says:

Now thats a story.

6th May 2006, 12:40

nige says:

glad alfie highlighted this. hahahahahahahahaha!

6th May 2006, 12:47

teflon says:

cheers, alf!
(by the way, Electric Sheep: Surely this is "blogging" rather than "citizen journalism"? :))

6th May 2006, 12:49

FilbertFox says:

as i was reading this, i have to admit whilst having great sympath with you, i was thinking along the same lines as Spike

6th May 2006, 14:10

DocD says:

Love da pic. I've had to move on a few drunks in my time. Never took a photo though!

6th May 2006, 15:14

DJD says:

this is ace.

6th May 2006, 20:23

Rich says:

Of course now he's got your scent on him the mother drunk won't accept him back in the nest.

You might have to start a sanctuary.

7th May 2006, 01:02

Maybe the police would have turned up quicker if you had drawn a chalk outline around him while he slept?

I miss london.

7th May 2006, 02:55