my life in words and pictures

by chocolate

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this is me, trying to put down my thoughts about everything and anything in the most sincere way possible, trying to find order in the chaos that is my life, trying to throw some mediocre-to-good pictures in along the way and trying to do it all in such a charming way that maybe someone actually finds pleasure in reading it all.

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perhaps a bit too often
i wish i could go back in time
and change everything that's happened since
not because i was happier then than now
or younger
but because i think i would be happier now
if i would have gone somewhere else
another way
if i would be 19 but not here
i wish i could change all of it
because it felt so good being where i was
and the only reason i didn't miss it immediately
was because i didn't know how good it felt
and how much it meant
and how much i would later wish i was back there
with those people who were there with me
and i wonder whether i would still love them as much
as much as i did back then, without knowing
without knowing how special that kind of love was
and if i really thought it through to the end
i would also wonder whether i really would be so happy now
- seeing as i'd be old enough to know how much to value it
or whether instead ...
whether instead i would be writing the same words as i am now
or different words with the same meaning
the same longing
and same wishful thinking
or maybe words without any longing or nostalgia
but with a yearning to know
an aspiration to know whether i would instead be happier
being where i am now
in reality

but that's a kind of dumb train of thought
if you think about it

i just miss it
i miss it really badly sometimes
and i wish i was back there
and stayed instead of leaving.

i think everything would be so different.
6th Oct 2007, 17:31  


MaggieD says:

So easy for me to say, hey, you are too young for this type of thought ..... but it is so beautifully expressed .... I would not attempt to try and give an answer ..... you will find your own way, you are a very bright and intelligent young man ....

6th Oct 2007, 21:26

chocolate says:

well, maggie, i hope i will, i really do. sometimes it just seems like like the future is so uncertain, anything could happen ... but i'll do my very best!

7th Oct 2007, 18:12

chocolate says:

oh yeah i know exactly what you mean. it can really drive you crazy thinking about those kinds of things.

"i am where i should be, doing what i should be doing" ... i really hope so, but nevertheless, there are always these moments, where you wonder whether that's really true.

hm ...

10th Oct 2007, 18:27

Euphro says:

Wonderful shots!

11th Oct 2007, 23:46