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My poor little man! One thing after another again!">

Weird....but in a good way!

by Essitam

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As a teenager I knew everything....I'm still trying to figure out when I forgot it all.

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Bullying is NEVER acceptable...

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My poor little man! One thing after another again!
17th Oct 2007, 10:12   | tags:,,,

Joe says:

You're absolutely right.

It sounds like the school are either a bunch of idiots, or are attempting to avoid the issue...there is a big government push about bullying at the moment, so it may be worth talking to your local council about the problem if you get no joy from the school.

Tell Jordan from me, that I know how it feels, and he has done nothing wrong. Only people who are unhappy bully other people.

17th Oct 2007, 10:23

Essitam says:

Thanks Joe. I've past on the message and he very solemnly nodded and agreed.

He's doing Maths worksheets at the moment, he's being very level about it. I think he thought I'd gone mad when I marched him out of there!

17th Oct 2007, 10:34

spongevid says:

God that is terrible!! I hope you give them a total earful for being so damn slow in everything and sort it all out! Poor Jordan!

but also full credit to you Steph for also not letting it stop him with learning and getting to play teacher!!

17th Oct 2007, 10:38

goonflower says:

Amazing response (from you) hun, it's great he's got you fighting his corner AND sorting him out at home with talking and education. I'm so stunned - J is just the coolest, friendliest, funniest kid ever. It can only be jealousy. Don't let the bastards beat either of you (not that you would!)! MUCH love x

17th Oct 2007, 10:53

540air says:

That's disgraceful behaviour by the school. You've done entirely the right thing in taking him out of there as nobody should have to put up with being bullied.

Perhaps if the head doesn't get things sorted out, the threat of contacting MP's or watchdog might do the trick?

17th Oct 2007, 11:01

540air says:

Also, hats off to you for the restraint you showed walking past the kids when they were shouting things. I'm not sure I could have resisted the urge to rip into them.

17th Oct 2007, 11:04

anonymous says:

write a letter to the Governing body of the school complaining about his and your treatment. They will have to do something about it. Also write to the localeducation authority

17th Oct 2007, 11:13

Essitam says:

Thanks all...we will be contacting the LA/Governing body after Thursday. Every school in the eyes of the law HAS TO publish an anti-bullying policy so we are going to request a copy of that so we can point out exactly where it wasn't followed/falls short of acceptable.

I'm also going to ask the head if she would accept it if one of her teachers was walking around punching the other teachers and if not why is this not deemed the same??

540 restraint was having to be used to the fullest but i did use my loudest sternest voice to point out to my J that only idiots with no friends try and make other people sad and he was to ignore them!!!

17th Oct 2007, 11:22

hildegard says:

Send a letter to the governers for form's sake by all means, but don't expect anything useful from them.

Make sure you have a good written record of all J's troubles & your contacts with the school about the matter. Contact the LEA & your MP, give them copies & ask if the school's approach seems acceptable.

You probably know already but if not, this lot can be quite useful; bullying.co.uk/

Thank goodness he's got a parent who sticks up for him, J deserves better & if he can't get it there, (I never thought I'd find myself saying this) maybe a Steiner school would be a better idea - most of them have bursaries & some run sliding fee scales according to family income.
They're shocking hippies but they do make the kids learn consideration & respect for others...
(On which grounds, we should probably turn Eton over to the Steiner method.)

17th Oct 2007, 12:25

SFG NLI says:

Skools have not got any better since I was there then.

I was bullied at skool and funnily enough nothing was done then either..

17th Oct 2007, 12:47

Essitam says:

Hilegard the nearest Steiner school to us is too far away from where i live to even come into consideration unfortunately - I'd already looked into it.

I was thinking the same SFG, I was bullied and I was told by the teachers to stay away from the bully. It didn't stop teh problem just moved it elsewhere when I moved.

If nothing else comes from this it has been an empowering thing for J, He now feels confident to stick up for himself and approach his teachers for help if he has problems because he knows we've got is back if it comes to it!

17th Oct 2007, 13:52

Helen says:

Sounds like J has it sussed.

I was tormented by silly kids at school, but I never once took what they said to heart or considered that what they were saying might be true. When I think back, I must have been pretty damn secure in myself (which is what the bullies were trying to take away). I was never confident, but I guess I had a strong sense of self and what was right.

I hope J manages somehow and doesn't let them get to him or undermine his sense of self. He has the best support he can get -- you.

The teachers' attitude is shocking. So what if he's bigger? Does that mean if he chose to sort it out with his fists, that would be some kind of natural justice? I don't think so.

17th Oct 2007, 14:00

swamprose says:

this is horrible.

the school sounds so much like the old, it's your fault, it's Jordan's fault routine when they should be stepping up the the plate and tellling you what they are going to do about it.

Steph, good on you. and Jordan, it's not you. insecure people put other people down so they can feel superior. their problem, not yours.

17th Oct 2007, 14:09

Spike says:

Disgracefull!

I for one was bullied as a child quite alot. well, in junios school (in was a 'large' kid. and one day after no response from the teachers my dad turned and said to me 'just go for the leader!'.

next day, i confronted the main culprit and 'squared up', having the weight advantage I unleashed my anger, and it never happened again.

I know its not the right thing to do to turn to violence, but at that moment it was the only way for me, growing up in a rough school in newark.

looking back, i dont think i would of handles it differently, as awfull as it is to say, some peoples only answer is violence, granted I did get suspended for a short time, but the bullying stopped!

in this situation I dont know what to say, its go awfull taht this happens, and aven worse that the communication for the adults is non existant! keep at it, keep bugging the teachers, dont stop untill someones listens and puts into practice what these schools say (in theory) is an anti bullying atmosphere!

17th Oct 2007, 14:21

that is disgracefull! its appauling advise from the school, just stay away from the bullies if they are in his class thats impossible,

i was bullied in secondary school.. it was due to my dyslexia i was in the bottom set for english and some lads made fun of it and were calling me names for something i couldt change, so i went to the english taecher and nothing happend.

i as dave did (which i dont condone) went to the main person and got in his face and confronted him and was quite menacing, being taller than him and being a little bit of a goth i think it scared him enough to stop.

i say what everyone else says keep at the school, keep records of what has happend and their lack of help, and definitly show the head what J wrote if thats not an insight to what is happening nothing is!

J i know its hard but ignor them they are the week ones!

17th Oct 2007, 14:28

kyoob says:

Hope you resolve this issue with them, and by resolve i mean give them a piece of your mind so that J and future years in the same school can be supported by at least some kind of system.

hello to J too :)

17th Oct 2007, 14:31

Essitam says:

Thanks all, it's funny you guys should say some of this as I have already pointed out to the teachers that "I haven't been telling him to hit them back harder??"

I could just see it I bet they'd be straight on the phone to report his "fighting" to me.

I'm going to go in quoting the "Every Child Matters" legislation at them and see where that gets us!

I've been telling J what you've all been saying and he got quite upset that "so many people seemed to have been bullied why are some people so nasty.

I got bullied for being a "goth" because I dyed my hair red!! - my response was to wash it out bleach it and then die it again so it went even BRIGHTER, see I was a rebel who stuck up for what she believed even then!

17th Oct 2007, 14:55

goode says:

I know how he feels... I was bullied at school, by a group of boys younger than me. As silly as it sounds there was very little i could do.

They were younger than but just as big as me. So some would say it was an even match. I being the elder of us all decided to rise above it, but this can be really hard if it's continuous!

I complained and complain to teachers but nothing was ever done, one day they took it too mar and started verbally abusing me in the corridors at lunch time. I'm ashamed to say i took the "law" into my own hands and battered the ring leader. Then promptly marched him to the office and took him to see the head. I was told to go for a walk to calm down. (Raging at this point)

The teachers seemed to sympathise with me and said they had been waiting for someone to show him what it's like as they wouldn't get away with such behaviour.

I was advised to send in a letter of complaint about the children involved, and this would be put on record and sent to the parents.

When i think about this now, a letter from a child to a parent telling them their child is bullying them would have been quite a big thing.

The offending kid after being beaten by me then received a 2 week suspension and permanent note on his school record.

Safe to say i never heard anything much after that, but years later when we were all old enough to know better he cam e into my work (I'm a DJ) an began throwing 2p coins at me. Most of them hit my head... (This guy must be 21 now?!)

You'd have though he would learn. Same happened, I ended up putting on a really long mix of MJs Billie Jean and dragged him into a fire exit. Before threatening to throw him down the stairs i watched him cry and took pity... I left him sobbing for a bit then had the doormen remove him (and his mates) how embarrassing. :)

There is hope for us! The bully never wins... Sometimes you just need to pick the right time to strike! Be that in a quiet corner, in public or even in writing!

Hang in there little guy, and if you have any more problems I'll come round and sort them out ;)

Good luck.


*please understand I'm not saying hitting people is acceptable. It's not. But in this instance it was the way for me to win this particular "battle". Everyone is different, do what you feel is right.

17th Oct 2007, 14:55

SaharaSB says:

So sorry to hear about the problems Essitam but agree with all here that it seems like your're doing a grand job of trying to get it sorted.

It is an absolutely disgrace that the school reacts like this. I think most people go through some bullying at school at some stage and i know I was. I later found out that the girl who gave me a black eye when I was a kid was bullied and beaten at home. It made it all a bit more understandable and I felt very sorry for her.

All bullies are bullied themselves by parents or siblings and are probably just taking it out on well grounded, otherwise happy well intentioned kids like your boy.

Well done for the composure too - I agree with 540air, I think I would have been tempted to strangle the little sh*ts.

Stay strong kiddo and good luck with it all.

17th Oct 2007, 16:32

seaneeboy says:

Mum of the year award to you Ess, and top bravery and dignity award to Jordan.

The bullies never prevail, just remember that in the long run you'll come out on top.

17th Oct 2007, 18:30

Dhamaka says:

*sends hugs, energy and support

17th Oct 2007, 20:03

taniwha says:

I really feel for you and Jordan. Bullying is a terrible thing for kids. For a few years I worked with a number of Headteachers and was sometimes surprised at how they thought about bullying - one that stuck in my mind was the "it'll blow over and they'll be mates in a few weeks." This did seem to leave things open to putting the kid being bullied in a pretty miserable position.

The other thing that struck me about dealing with a complaint about a Headteacher when I was a governor (I was on the complaints committee) was how to play the game right - start to keep a diary of incidents involving Jordan, noting down details, verbatim comments, dates and times. Do the same for interactions with teachers and headteachers. If you need to take it further this will be invaluable, especially since the Headteacher will be doing the same and will have this to strengthen the position.

Anyway, I hope it goes well tomorrow.

17th Oct 2007, 21:22

good luck for today , keep at them to get it sorted!

18th Oct 2007, 09:21

Essitam says:

Thanks bmal.

UPDATE: We have just returned from the school having had a meeting with the head.

Firstly we discussed the main issue THE BULLYING. She took all our points into account and today is going to give a talking to the boys involved BUT also she is going to bring the ringleaders parents in for consultation.

I kept J with us all the time and encouraged him to tell her how he felt so that she could see we weren't just neurotic parents. He was very happy to be taken seriously and to realize that positive action works, he also now understands that telling people everything is alright when its not is not going to get anything solved!

Secondly we discussed the issues I had with the school and the way this had (until now) been handled. I pointed out the faults in dealing with the victim not the bully, how size does not come into consideration, you can be a victim of bullying no matter the difference in size between you and the bully. And the lack of communication between myself and her when I had specifically requested it!

The head appeared to be very receptive to all my points and didn't go as far as to apologize but did agree with some and explain others.

The lack of return phone call was due to the message not being passed on correctly (an issue with communication still i know but at least I wasn't deliberately being ignored) and she couldn't make time to speak with us Tuesday morning as she is a teaching head who had classes all day and didn't fully appreciate our frustration as she wasn't aware that we'd expected her to call us the evening before!

I have come away this morning feeling more positive. AND with a copy of the schools anti bullying policy - after reading it something i can't fault if it is applied this way. It remains to be seen what affect it all has. I don't expect results overnight after all kids will still be kids but i feel a lot happier now the head knows I'm not going to let this go until it has been resolved

18th Oct 2007, 10:34

SaharaSB says:

really good for you ! fingers crossed it does the trick.

18th Oct 2007, 10:37

anonymous says:

Wow - respect to you both
a big learning curve - some excellent advice - and amazingly handled - making sure no one can have any recrimination against you is a must and accurate logging too - involvement of J throughout is perfect - I see no reason why anyone bullying J in the playground shouldn't be given time out - to think about what he/she has done - I have a friend who has taken over quite a disruptive class of this age - she persistently stops any disruptive individual - tells them that they are not in trouble but they seem to have forgotten the rules/how to behave - asks them to write down (and date) what they did wrong and take 10 mins out of the lesson - she doesn't escalate the punishment or get angry - she's winning - the child in the wrong has not got to be left with anything to feel aggrieved about either - think this is something that is not always dealt with and maybe you could make it clear if it isn't already that your aim is to stop the bullying permanently - not punishment

again well done - you don't need advice - just reassurance and support

18th Oct 2007, 11:51

Viv says:

Sorry that was me - took the link from an email H sent me so didn't open in firefox

19th Oct 2007, 11:35

540air says:

Sounds like a positive outcome :)

19th Oct 2007, 12:24