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Very short stories to read at the bus stop.

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The Rats Around Here

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The rats around here are amazingly bad-ass. The gnaw through bricks and are the size of basketballs.

Like sharks, they have those little sensors in their noses to detect electrical fields, which they use, not to avoid, but to seek out power conduits in the walls, so as to disable most motion detectors and burglar alarms. Their bites also convey a nasty electrical shock from current stored in special capacitor-like glands, charged up by gnawing through power lines.

Popular rat poisons, like arsenic and strychnine, are simply a complete waste of time, largely due to the expense of buying and shipping in the quantities necessary to keep them from thinking you're giving them a free party drug. In fact, they convert small amounts of strychnine and brucine into PCP in their livers. Methamphetamine and crack cocaine they manufacture the old fashioned way, by taking over preconstructed labs in abandoned buildings.

Classified as "aesthetically challenged", they are known to steal Hummel figurines and prints of paintings by Thomas Kincade to decorate their nests. They are also fond of cork paneling and mirrored tiles--especially the "antique-look" kind with the mottled silvering. And God forbid you stand between one and a painting of a unicorn, or, even worse, that depiction of the angel hovering over a pair of lost children on an old wooden bridge.

Politically, they're known to vote for liberals in national elections and conservatives at the local level. This is strictly to keep up environmental funding and to keep their property taxes low, although their elected representatives have been known to vote for a mandatory two-year period of national service, either military or civil.

In neighborhoods they have already dominated, they extort protection from local business, but keep up popular opinion by offering elderly women escorts home after dark and give "pony rides" to small children on their birthdays.

They invest the proceeds of their protection money in the oil and energy markets and were heavy speculators in the oil market recently, which means they have just lost an enormous amount of money and are therefore in an ugly mood. Avoid them at all costs.


Posted by Laszlo Q. V. St-J. Xalieri

23rd Aug 2008, 20:11   | tags:


I love the way it changes from graph 3 to 4.... and wonder if they're reading this.

26th Aug 2008, 23:43

They're not reading this, but their lawyers might be.

Wait. Did I say rats? I think I meant lawyers all along....


26th Aug 2008, 23:58


27th Aug 2008, 01:52