Pattern Recognition

by Dhamaka

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"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"........ Albert Einstein


My new dance photography blog, DanceTog is here

My formal G20Voice blog is here


"When you're standing on a comfortable rug, you have to expect it to be pulled from under your feet sometimes"
........ Ben Moor
Global Warming - the debate

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This is my personal blog, not a venue for saleable images. In fact, because it's here that I share things that are important to me with the members of the moblog community, photo quality's not my priority. Events, occasions, achievements, thoughts, trips and experiments - you'll find them all here. Contact me for the development version of my photo portfolio, for a selection of saleable images or visit my dance photography blog or my website for cuttings. And remember that all photos remain my copyright unless I've specifically said otherwise.

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"Every time I see an adult on a bicycle I no longer despair for the future of the human race"
........ H G Wells

"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better"
........ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Luck favours the prepared mind"
........ Louis Pasteur

"Never to get lost is not to live, not to know how to get lost brings you to destruction, and somewhere in the terra incognita in between lies a life of discovery."
........ Rebecca Solnit

"Give, give, give -- what is the point of having experience, knowledge or talent if I don't give it away? Of having stories if I don't tell them to others? Of having wealth if I don't share it? I don't intend to be cremated with any of it! It is in giving that I connect with others, with the world and with the divine."
........ Isabel Allende

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs - ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
........ Harold Thurman Whitman

"The real voyage of discovery consists not of seeing new landscapes, but in having new eyes...."
........ Marcel Proust

"It is by riding a bicycle that you learn the contours of a country best, since you have to sweat up the hills and coast down them.. you have no such accurate remembrance of a country you have driven through as you gain by riding a bicycle...."
........ Ernest Hemingway

"Ambition leads me not only father than any other man has been before me, but as far as I think it is possible for man to go."
........ James Cook

"The grand show is enternal. It is always sunrise somewhere; the dew is never dried all at once; a shower is forever falling; vapour is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal dawn and gloaming, on sea and continents and islands, each in its turn, as the round earth rolls."
........ John Muir

"The bicycle is the most civilised conveyance known to man. Other forms of transport grow daily more nightmarish. Only the bicycle remains pure in heart."
........ Iris Murdoch

"Photography for me is not looking, it's feeling. If you can't feel what you're looking at, then you're never going to get others to feel anything when they look at your picture...."
........ Don McCullin












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biopsy tissue

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it's blurry because I was shaking

I have chest cancer.
Tomorrow are more biopsies to see if it has spread to my lymph glands. It looks likely.

Operation, I'm told, is before June 1st, followed by chemo probably for 6 months, then my age indicates I'll probably need radiotherapy. I've also been told that 3 weeks more or less won't hurt (when talking about my right to change hospitals).

I won't know more till they have taken it out so don't ask
22nd Apr 2009, 14:44   | tags:,,,,,

factotum says:

It's difficult to know what to say beyond the usual platitudes. Continue to be strong and courageous!

22nd Apr 2009, 14:49

Dhamaka says:

Thank you factotum. A friend just told me to get angry. I'm not.
I know I'll get through it but am really, really upset that I won't be able to do any serious cycling for so long after the op.

I'm also not looking forward to the next few months

22nd Apr 2009, 14:50

Javama says:

What awful news. So very sorry. What a lot to go through but you sound like you are going to come through it all smiling. I hope you can feel my admiration for your courage as well as supportive hugs racing through the ether.

22nd Apr 2009, 14:56

kyoob says:

As factotum: Speechless.

I am still looking forward to meeting you sometime in the future, and as ever if you need a distraction you know where I am.

*hugs*

22nd Apr 2009, 14:57

Wendle says:

I don't know what to say, but am sending you my love. x

22nd Apr 2009, 15:00

Caine says:

Oh damn, Dhamaka. You're going to be going through a lot of emotions, just let them happen. Your overall health, your life is what means the most, even though you're going to find yourself focused on small things for the next while.

I went through some issues with this several years ago. You need or want anything, including someone to yell at, I'm here for you. xxx

22nd Apr 2009, 15:01

paintist says:

I am so sorry for the stress you are feeling right now, and if goodwishes count for anything you know that you have oh so many coming to you..... i hope they give you some comfort
more * hugs* from me too.....

22nd Apr 2009, 15:03

triplet mommy says:

Sending positive energy and love to you. I'll be in touch. xxxxx Lisa

22nd Apr 2009, 15:05

Claire(claireabelle1-at-hotmail-dot-com) says:

I really doubt i would be so brave as you. You have always seemed like a very strong person, and i have complete faith in your ability to not just beat this but to find some fascinating way to use this as a experience that you learn and grow from. We will be thinking about you over the coming months, and looking forward to seeing pics of you back on your bike as soon as possible :) Love from me and Han, xx

22nd Apr 2009, 15:05

man oh man. so sorry to hear that D. be strong and stay as positive as you can. don't underestimate the power of the mind, a smile goes a mile.xxx

22nd Apr 2009, 15:08

Twiglet says:

Our loving healing thoughts are being blown your way with a million kisses too.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

22nd Apr 2009, 15:10

Christina says:

Life's such a bitch. This is the last thing that should be happening to you with all that you've got to give the world and all the wonderful things you have planned. I am really, really upset for you. Sending love xxx

22nd Apr 2009, 15:15

minkey says:

Not enough words ...Positive thinking gets a long way and help keep your energy to fight it. If can help anyway. Lots of hugs xxxx

22nd Apr 2009, 15:23

Craft says:

(( Big Hugs)) xxxx

22nd Apr 2009, 15:27

crickson says:

I'm really sorry to hear this and I wish you all the best and a speedy recovery. You're one of the fittest and most active people I know, so I'm confident you'll beat this.

22nd Apr 2009, 15:31

KeithD says:

Shout when you want fancy a curry X

22nd Apr 2009, 15:33

Puddlepuff says:

My gods! Sending you all my energy and positive vibes, hugs, love and xxxxx

22nd Apr 2009, 15:36

harimanjaro says:

It's hard to know what to say. Like everyone else, if there's anything I can do just ask. If there's one thing you can be sure of right now it's that you've got lots of friends who will be there to support you through this. Keep that in mind when things are looking black.

22nd Apr 2009, 15:53

Kristiyan says:

We All Love you Carole!

22nd Apr 2009, 16:02

Euphro says:

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that. Makes my current probelm seem very trivial. When you say "chest" is it in your lung? I will be thinking of you and please let me know if there is anything I can do. A xxxx

22nd Apr 2009, 16:08

Spiderbaby says:

Oh my! Well at least you know what it is now. You'll get through this. There will be more cycling, much more, and more importantly, cake :) Thinking of you, and if there's anything I can do at all please let me know.
x

22nd Apr 2009, 17:04

OJ says:

I'm so sorry to hear that too and also wishing you strength.

I hope this is not inappropriate but I was just this weekend talking to one of my best friends, who is now nearly three years clear of cancer in her chest (non hodgkins lymphoma). She was terrified at the time too.

This smiley portrait of her is one of my favourite ever highlights.

Just wanted to share some hope and the big smile of a survivor with you. I hope that's okay.

22nd Apr 2009, 17:07

Dhamaka says:

Thank you everyone for your support. It's strange, but reading your messages somehow helps me find serenity in my own feelings.

Caine - I'm so sorry to hear that, but pleased that you're here to say it now and offer a very special type of support

Paintist - they do, they give me a kind of strength and thank you

Lisa, Claire and Christina - it means a lot that you who aren't mobloggers bothered to post these messages (and you Keith, although as an ex-moblogger it's not quite the same)

Keith - you think that's the only time I'll be shouting? heh

Euphro - thank you but please don't belittle any problems you're going through. I'd like to say if there's anything I can do for you please tell me but suspect I'm not going to be that reliable for a while

Kristiyan - :) thank you xx

OJ absolutely and thank you

javama, Kyoob, Wendle, Mandy, mysocalledmoblog, Twiglet, minkey, Craft, Crickson, Puddlepuff, harimanjaro, Spiderbaby thank you. I don't know what - if anything - I would need but please continue to visit my blog, twitter account or private facebook account . I already really do appreciate your comments even when I don't answer them directly, and it's going to be nice to know that people are thinking of me

22nd Apr 2009, 17:10

tullis says:

Likewise, lots of healing vibes from me to you. Fingers crossed, Lucky cats on standby. I'm glad to hear that you can find some feelings of serenity at this time.

22nd Apr 2009, 17:19

Tori says:

I'm thinking of you.

22nd Apr 2009, 17:28

bronxelf says:

I'm so sorry, Carole. You can get through this. I'm just so sorry.

22nd Apr 2009, 17:33

taniwha says:

This is terrible news and my heart sank when I heard it. I hope you feel much strength for this difficult time.

22nd Apr 2009, 17:39

spoon_lamp says:

The worst kind of news :( You've got a pretty crappy few months ahead of you now! Roll with it, bend like the reeds, flow with it and let your friends and family be your anchor when they need to be.
You're going to have such a good time getting back into your cycling though. But don't listen to Spiderbaby - CAKE IS A LIE!! (Soz for nerding!)
Thinking of you from Afghanistan x

22nd Apr 2009, 18:03

kel says:

Oh god. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you, wishing you strength. If you fancy a coffee and a chat and a moan or need anything please get in touch x

22nd Apr 2009, 18:29

daz says:

Oh no. Not you, too. :(

I'm so sorry.

But you're on of the most determined people I know, so I know you'll pull through this. I'm thinking of you, C. Be strong. And tell me if you need anything.

xo Sonja

22nd Apr 2009, 19:00

Puddikat says:

I'm really sorry, sending you all my positive vibes, kind thoughts and lots of love. You are an inspiration in all that you do and you will face this challenge and win.

22nd Apr 2009, 19:10

EJ says:

I'm so very sorry to hear this.
Try and stay strong. I'll be sending positive, healthy thoughts for the challenges you'll face in the coming months.

22nd Apr 2009, 19:38

swamprose says:

oh no. so sorry to hear this. If anyone can beat it, you can.

22nd Apr 2009, 19:42

nalsa says:

Aswith everybody else, I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Deep breaths, positive thought.

22nd Apr 2009, 19:42

Anonymous says:

so sorry to hear this wishing you all good wishes
stay strong

22nd Apr 2009, 19:44

kaz(kaz) says:

so sorry to hear this wishing you all good wishes
stay strong

22nd Apr 2009, 19:44

MaggieD says:

Stay positive and strong, I'll be in touch in the next day or two, meanwhile, lots of healing vibes, love and hugs ......

22nd Apr 2009, 21:31

Helen says:

Oh no! Sending lots of positive wishes your way and hoping you get through this as smoothly as you can.

H x

22nd Apr 2009, 21:42

Dhamaka says:

Thank you tullis, Tori, bronxelf, taniwha, spoon_lamp (but chocolate sponge cake never lies), kel (I will), MrIguana, Daz, Puddikat, EJ, swamprose, nalsa, kaz, Maggie, Helen and AmericanFriend

22nd Apr 2009, 23:15

Uber Spy says:

D, I am so incredibly sorry to hear the news. You are one of the strongest bravest people I know, if anyone can kick it, you can. Sending you much love & strength.

22nd Apr 2009, 23:51

mtn_hermit says:

Awful news to receive, but I agree with Swamprose: If anyone can pull through, you can.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

22nd Apr 2009, 23:57

Anonymous says:

Oh sod. Not one of your better days, eh?
Go as easy on yourself as you can for a few days - ride out the shock. It's staggering how one bit of information can be so damnably big & disorientating. Am certain sure though, that cake features in all gold-standard treatment protocols, Spoons is just jealous because their medics don't carry any.
Good luck tomorrow...

23rd Apr 2009, 00:16

silar31 says:

I read this while at work today and couldn't reply then. I'm so sorry D, you are in my thoughts and prayers. If there is anything I can do from way over here, please let me know.

23rd Apr 2009, 01:23

lilitiger says:

Dear Dhamaka, such bad news..... And the not knowing exactly where or how or why... So it looks the next year or so will be dedicated to your health - getting over it and recover. At least you know that much. All I can say is do your best, because I selfishly want you back here...! Sending you love J xx

23rd Apr 2009, 07:27

cariadus says:

Will be thinking of you today.
Positive vibes winging their way from over here.

23rd Apr 2009, 08:17

Jane Doe says:

So sorry that it was bad news, though also glad that the clinic did take the biopsy and so your treatment can start asap. Try and take things one day at a time,
thinking of you x

23rd Apr 2009, 09:57

Alfie says:

Carole I'm so sorry to hear this news. I've seldom come across anyone as determined and focused as you though; you are the definition of 'a fighter'. We're all here for you.

23rd Apr 2009, 10:30

Rich says:

Yeah, if I was going to place money on anyone having the strength of will to kick cancer's ass and make it their bitch i'd be betting on you. It's picked the wrong person to pick on this time.

23rd Apr 2009, 10:40

nige says:

Thinking of you. Sending you stength. I feel so sad.

23rd Apr 2009, 10:51

nige says:

Thinking of you. Sending you stength. I feel so sad.

23rd Apr 2009, 10:52

nige says:

Two times can't hurt.

23rd Apr 2009, 10:53

Judo-Jule says:

Very sorry to hear this! Lots of strengh from me too! < 3

23rd Apr 2009, 12:47

Doug(cyclist451-at-yahoo-dot-com) says:

Carole, Thank you for the update. Just know you will continue to be in my prayers and thoughts. I will say that I got a bit of a chuckle out of one of your major disappointments, not being able to ride your bike.

I hope and pray your surgery and rest of the treatment goes smoothly. My only bit of advise, do not hesitate to rely on your friends when you need help or support, even just someone to talk to.

23rd Apr 2009, 14:38

There isnt much to say that hasnt been said already so I'll just send you a nice big hug *hugs* x

23rd Apr 2009, 14:49

Dhamaka NLI says:

thank you all
off to the hospital again now

23rd Apr 2009, 15:19

yourhermione says:

I got the boyfriend (who works in IT here at my hospital now) to get me in through the backdoor, untraced. Hopefully won't get caught, or it'll be big bad news, but this is *important* to me.

I think a little angry helps. I know that a lot of angry doesn't. But a little angry can help push out the helpless. The helpless was the hardest thing for me to deal with. I know that all the people who love you will help and that is the biggest thing. Moblog helped me more than I can ever express, and I miss everyone terribly. (three jobs and no moblog at work make it hard to get in here at all, so I heartily apologize to anyone who reads this for my dropping off the planet.)

I'm angry that this is happening to you, but I am glad for the support you have, and for the strong will that you posess. As many have said, if anyone can beat this, you can.

Many *hugs*, anti-nausea thoughts, and please email me if I can be of any mental help. Bronxelf knows where to find me if you don't have my email.

***HUGS***

23rd Apr 2009, 17:52

pandairo says:

We're all thinking of you and shall continue to do so. :-) xx

23rd Apr 2009, 21:25

SLG says:

Glad you read the text, thoughts and hugs again.

23rd Apr 2009, 21:32

Jig along says:

Oh bugger.

My thoughts are with you.

23rd Apr 2009, 22:58

Dhamaka_II says:

thank you everyone
YourHermione, thank you so much for this. I appreciate your offer and may well take you up on it in the future. I sincerely hope you weren't caught.

23rd Apr 2009, 23:00

Viv says:

Will teach me to keep up - thanks to Maggie for drawing my attention with her post. Got to be you first now girl. Will email x

24th Apr 2009, 01:21

Dhamaka says:

thanks Viv

24th Apr 2009, 08:40

jesson says:

D- sometimes life's just not fair and then this comes along and you really know its not... I don't know what to say that would help except that you have every reason to be angry but also be encouraged by all the people you know who are still here after having been through this too. You can do this.. and we're all here to help when you need us.

24th Apr 2009, 12:54

Roger says:

what a bastard, after everything etc etc, you deserve so much better

thinking of you

xxhugsxx

24th Apr 2009, 14:16

jle says:

call me whenever, for anything, a laugh, a book, a cry, a chicken drumstick, if you're vegetarian... some tofu? whatever you need.

24th Apr 2009, 16:50

JokerXL says:

So, I leave the country for a week, drop back into Holland this morning, check what the "gang" has been up to and this whacks me in the face.

Carole, this aint fair! Why do the good-guys have to get this?
Should I come round and do some stomping? With my new hair-do I'll send them nasty cells scurrying off with just a look and a growl.

All our very best wishes to you, strength and courage being transmitted your way from all over the world. Kick its ass and let's go cycling somewhere soon.
If you need a week away, our home is yours, for anything else just ask, anything.
x, M

25th Apr 2009, 08:49

beth says:

hello you, I've only just found out. I'm a bit shocked and sad. let me know if there's anything I can do.

bxx

25th Apr 2009, 22:50

Dhamaka says:

thanks everyone - this is much appreciated

26th Apr 2009, 17:46

ElphsHouseNLI says:

Just saw on FB. So sorry. xoxo
If you can't get angry just yet, you're welcome to borrow some angry from me; this is the second time this month I've heard the same news about a friend. I know that you will kick cancer's sorry ass, but I am so very, very sorry that you have to.
xo, T

27th Apr 2009, 03:15

midlife says:

((((((((H))))))))

27th Apr 2009, 05:21

Rebecca McGratth says:

Carole your in my thoughts, i have a friend going through the same thing. She is amazing and strong and with support is fighting it. XX

27th Apr 2009, 08:34

Hugs and kisses from Mara and me, I'm crossing fingers and we both are in empathy with you Carole...

We hope to have a tour of Florence with you as soon as possible so you must be good to come in Italy! ;)

Woof from Totò xD

Much love

27th Apr 2009, 08:47

Geodyne says:

My poor C: I've only just found out the news.

Much love and chocolate cake to you.

27th Apr 2009, 09:27

540air says:

Late as I always am to everything, just wanted to back up what SLG said to you. You know where we are :)

27th Apr 2009, 15:09

Sean(seanclements-at-hotmail-dot-com) says:

Really enjoyed your last lot of pictures, but once again being the busy little bee you always are at milongas, missed you for a dance again! In terms of empathy, all I can say is I nearly lost my sight twice, but had it saved by surgery, and I'm terrified of hospital! I guess overcoming fear is the worst. I wish you well, and look forward to seeing more of your work soon. An open invitation to dance always exists.....Love Sean XX

27th Apr 2009, 17:26

halophoenix says:

Take care, okay? /hug

You have a lot of excellent support here, far more and better words than I could possibly offer, but I do want to add one more voice of someone thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.

28th Apr 2009, 12:52

Dhamaka says:

you're all wonderful
xx

28th Apr 2009, 15:46

AAH says:

Prayers in your direction.

28th Apr 2009, 23:53

Dhamaka says:

thank you AAH

29th Apr 2009, 06:47