on the precipice

right there on the edge
seems to be a theme i can't get away from.

escaping from the entrapment of the ordinary
and plunging headfirst into the excitement of the what could be.
and yet
halting
right at the moment
when you need to jump.
and changing your mind.

revolutionary road has been one of the most heartbreaking books i've ever read.
(and i've read it many times)
(and i just watched it on a lonely wednesday afternoon. not the best idea.)
the excitement
the allure
of a life less ordinary
and the excitement of the plans and the buildup.
and oh my goodness, the so in love-ness of the whole thing.
i recognize that.
then the crushing defeat when the person you're depending on to jump headfirst with you
changes their mind.

For years I thought we've shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I don't know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping. How pathetic is that?

in a different movie, last night,
i cried when both of the leads
decided to jump in and leave everything else behind to be together.
and then i cried again, when 15 minutes later both of them [both of them. sigh] backed out. you could see it happening. the retreat. the doubt. the skepticism that getting what you want would really be what you wanted after all.

it seems to be popping up every where.

i can't get away from it myself.
because i've been that person.
i've been the one to freeze and back away.
i've been the one right there on the precipice too afraid to jump.

i don't want to go on being that person.
and yet
i don't know quite how to jump.

think paris is the answer?
[damn movie].